Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
