Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
