im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish they made helmets for livers.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
