Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize