Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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