I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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