You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
