i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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