How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
