My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
