How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
