Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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