between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize