i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
