so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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