I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
