my vag is so smooth its legendary
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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