I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
