I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
