i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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