i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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