watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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