the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize