I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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