had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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