these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
