there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you would pick up someone in the library
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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