Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
