She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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