you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
