How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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