dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
