She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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