go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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