I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
