I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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