Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
