Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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