First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
