Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
