I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
