He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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