I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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