My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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