I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
