She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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