What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize