So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
