I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
