The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
