There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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