Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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