What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
