I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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