my being single is dangerous.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
