Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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