the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
