seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
