she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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