My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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